Syd's Coke Den
by you.broke.a.promise
Summary: OBVIOUSLY dedicated to AGENT SYDNEY ! Yessah. THESE ARE ALL CRACK FICS, hence the title...Coke...Den...Get it? Bah. With all crazy sorts of pairings that we adore! Woot! She wanted me to change the summary, but I can't remember what she wanted it to say.
1. P: PANDA

**Panda.**

**NejiTen**

(CRACK FIC!) Obviously, as all of these will be.

_Disc: _If only, my dearies. If only.

* * *

"Don't you look at me like that," She frowned, scrunching up her nose, "Hyuuga Neji, I can eat whatever the hell I want!"

"No," The prodigy deadpanned, "You actually can't."

He sighed, turning away from the fist she was shaking in his face.

"Oh and why's that?" She demanded, her chocolate eyes narrowed, glaring quite openly at him.

"Because candy makes you fat," He stated simply.

"Why you--!"

"NEJI! TENTEN! HOW YOUTHFUL YOU BOTH LOOK TODAY! THE SUN IS SHINING NICELY DOWN ON US IN OUR PRIME YOUTHFUL-NESS! TENTEN, PLEASE DO NOT LISTEN TO NEJI, THE YOUTHFUL SUN MAY BE TOO MUCH FOR HIM- HE DOES NOT HAVE A CLUE WHAT HE IS SAYING."

Lavender eyes turned on the spandex-clad boy, "Lee," He said threateningly.

"Hello, Lee," Tenten answered, her fingers pinching the bridge of her nose. She glared at Neji for another moment and stuck the grape lollipop back into her mouth, "I'm _not_ fat," She told him pointedly.

"Not _yet_, but you're going to be," The Hyuuga responded, plucking the offending piece of hardened sugar from her mouth by the stick and tossing it unceremoniously onto the ground. He looked up for a moment and then turned away, dismissing the brunette shaking with rage.

"NEJI!"

"TENTEN MY LOVELY FRIEND, IGNORE NEJI- HE IS A BLITHERING IDIOT. YOU ARE NOT FAT AT ALL, IN FACT, IF MY HEART WAS NOT ALREADY SET ON SAKURA-CHAN'S YOUTHFUL FIGURE, I WOULD SURELY LOVE YOU INSTEAD!"

"Lee," Tenten started, "Please stop talking in obnoxious capitals. Wait, what did you say?"

Lee was suddenly thrown up against a near-by tree trunk, "I am _not_ a blithering idiot, and you will never lay your beady eyes on Tenten again. Do you comprehend?"

Tenten hadn't noticed this happening, she was still mourning her abandoned lollipop which lay covered in gravel at her feet.

"N-Neji-san?" Lee asked nervously from his place smashed up against the tree.

"I asked you if you comprehended," Neji repeated, his eyes narrowing on the boy with the shiny bowl-cut.

"You love our youthful Tenten!" Lee exclaimed.

"WHAT?" Tenten's eyes were huge as she zoned in on their conversation. She stared at Neji, "YOU LOVE ME? Well, bucko, calling me fat is surely not the way to get into my pants."

Neji's mouth was agape as he stared at her. "Get…into… your…"

"PANTS!" Lee coached, "THE WORD IS PANTS!"

"LEE!" Tenten shouted, frowning, "What did I say about obnoxious capitals?"

"NOT TO…speak in them?"

"Good. Now, back to the matter at hand," She turned to Neji, "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LOVE ME!"

"I DO NOT!" The bright-eyed boy denied loudly, taking a step-back, "HOW COULD I POSSIBLY LOVE A PANDA LIKE YOU?!"

"…"

"…"

"DID YOU JUST CALL ME A PANDA?"

"…"

"Tenten," Rock Lee reminded her calmly, still pressed against the tree, "Didn't you (YOUTHFULLY!) say something about not talking in obnoxious (YOUTHFUL!) capitals?!"

She glared at him and he shut up.

"Did you expect me to shout out my undying love for you to the whole village? I can't love a panda, Tenten. It's inhumane. And to my knowledge, completely illegal."

"UGH! You are so ridiculous!"

"Actually," He smirked, "That would be your area of expertise."

Her scowl turned into a smirk, "Neji, a panda is a simple creature," Her eyes darkened, "They are incapable of being as ridiculous as you are, so, I'm afraid you're incorrect."

He raised an eyebrow and Lee struggled to get away from Neji and out of the area.

"Tenten?" The latter asked, and she lunged at him. Abruptly, Lee was squashed up against the tree, Neji's hip biting into his abdomen painfully.

"DON'T LIE TO ME, HYUUGA."

Lee frowned from his uncomfortable position, "No obnoxious capitals, Tenten--"

"SHUT UP, LEE," She growled, pulling a random stick of bamboo out of her pocket and holding the squirming Neji in place with her other hand, "I'LL USE OBNOXIOUS CAPITALS WHEN I'M ANGRY IF I WANT TO."

"Hypocrite," Neji muttered.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

"HE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING!" Lee shouted, his eyes widening to the size of plates.

Tenten ignored him, concentrating on Neji's squished form. "I'M NOT A PANDA, MISS. I-ONLY-LOVE-MY-HAIR."

"Then why do you carry around bamboo?" He asked confidently, "I think you chew on it when you're hungry."

Her grip tightened on his tan shirt, "I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CHEW ON, NEJI," And then she sloppily shoved the bamboo into his gaping mouth. "CHEW," She commanded.

His brow furrowed and he shook his head viciously no.

"Tenten, this is very cruel--"

"IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP, I'LL GET A STICK OF IT FOR YOU, TOO."

Lee squealed.

"CHEW IT!" She urged, "Or I'll cut your woman hair off, gel-boy."

He paled and began to chew, his flawless face scrunched up in horror at the thought of his precious hair being chopped off by a raging female panda. When he finally swallowed, she let her hold on him go and watched as he and Lee fell in a heap onto the mossy ground.

"How was it?" She asked politely, all traces of evilness and anger gone. She batted her eyelashes innocently, smiling at the scowling lavender-eyed boy.

He stood up, "It tasted like cardboard."

She stiffened, "You liar."

He didn't respond, only looked away as a look of triumph passed over Tenten's features, "OH KAMI-SAMA. THE GREAT HYUUGA NEJI LIKES BAMBOO- SO CALLED 'PANDA FOOD'! I KNEW YOU LOVED ME."

He turned back towards her, "So you admit you're a panda?"

Her face began to turn red, "YOU WANT TO TRY THIS AGAIN?"

"Whatever you say," He replied, sighing.

Next to him, Tenten giggled and clapped her hands together, "You love me! HA!"

He closed his eyes, feeling a headache coming on and turned to find Lee had run from the premesis, screaming for Gai-sensei.

"I CANNOT WAIT TO SET THE DATE OF OUR WEDDING! ARE YOU THINKING TRADITIONAL? I'M THINKING TRADITIONAL. YES. AHH, I HAVE TO SPEAK TO THE HOKAGE IMMEDIATELY!"

She ran off, leaving him with only two words, "Stupid pandas."

* * *

I didn't like the ending.

BAHH. But I have to admit that I rather enjoyed writing in OBNOXIOUS CAPITALS.

All of these are for Dawhling SouiSoui.

BE JEALOUS! :D


	2. R: REPRODUCTION

**Reproduction**

SasuSaku!

Specifically for my lovely wifey Syd, and blah blah blah.

CRACKK as all of these will get into the habit of being!

;)

Disc: PSHH.

* * *

"I like you, make babies with me."

When Naruto fell over, howling with laughter and the pinkette raised her hand and sent it smashing into his cheek, Sasuke still didn't know what he'd done wrong. As she walked away, he turned to glower at Naruto before asking with pure curiosity, "Did I say something?"

Now that he was back, out of Orochimaru's grasp, he had changed. He'd defeated his brother and allowed the emotions he had been keeping behind closed doors to come spilling out all over everyone.

Along with vomit- after all, Uchiha Sasuke apparently couldn't hold his liquor as well as everyone thought.

Frowning slightly at Naruto, who was once again laughing hysterically at the only surviving Uchiha, he walked off, towards Sakura's apartment.

What was her deal, anyway? She had been willing to do anything before, and now he asks her to pop out a few wittle Uchiha babehhs and she's acting like a prude! How RUDE! (Sasuke chuckled at this rhyme.)

Walking easily up the front steps and letting himself into her living quarters, he grinned. She was in the bedroom. Now she wouldn't be able to run away when he asked her.

Smugly, he began his descent towards the master bedroom which was at the very end of her peach colored hallway. Quietly, he opened the door, stifling a giggle as he closed and locked the door behind him… only to turn around and find her with a towel perched on top of her head, dripping wet pink locks spilling out from beneath it.

Completely naked, her bare backside exposed to him.

"Sakura," He said and she jumped, spinning around, a look of pure shock flashing across her face, "I didn't know it was your birthday!"

Letting out a slight 'eep' as she realized she was giving him a full frontal show, she dove behind the side of the bed, "UCHIHA SASUKE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! And, it's not my birthday you psycho!"

"Well," He countered, smirking and watching her with lust filled eyes, "Then why are you wearing your birthday suit?"

She blushed a bright red and ripped the towel from her hair, pulling it around her body. "_PERVERT_!"

"I already asked you to make babies with me," He told her nonchalantly, "So what's the big deal?"

"I never said I would, idiot!" She growled, stalking towards him, killing intent radiating off of her.

Sasuke pretended not to notice and forced his hands not to protect his family jewels, Daisuke and Ryuunosuke. (YES! HE NAMED THEM! Of course, Dai was the left one.)

"Sakura?" He asked carefully, "_Please_ make babies with me?"

She smiled lightly at him, "Well now that you said _please_."

She pulled a lollipop out of the air (SHE'S A FRICKEN NINJA, DON'T QUESTION MAGICAL LOLLIPOPS!) and slipped it between her lips seductively. He grinned like a fool and stepped forward, pulling the lollipop from her mouth with a flourish.

"My tongue needs it's space," he told her casually and bent his head to kiss her.

She tasted like strawberries, not cherries.

It depressed him.

"Sasuke-kun?" She asked, putting a delicate finger up to her lips in mock-pout. "Did I do something wrong?"

"Stupid lollipop," He muttered, throwing it out the window with a scowl. Sakura frowned, looking out the window, wishing her lollipop (Which was supposed to make her look sexy, damn it!) had wings so it would fly back to her. Down below, they heard garbage cans rattle and then the shrill yelp of a cat.

Sakura cringed, "Are you going to be all emo again?" She turned away from the window and he was gone. "Sasuke?"

She heard some shuffling in the bathroom before Sasuke poked his head out of the doorway, "Do you have any less-girly razors? I can't cut myself with these."

A vein twitched in her forehead, "I wanted to make babies."

There was silence from the bathroom.

Then, out of nowhere, he appeared and tackled her, grasping her up into his arms and kissing her sloppily. They fell back on the bed and her towel mysteriously disappeared. He clapped with glee, his onyx eyes sparkling.

"You love me longtime!"

* * *

_--5 WHACKO Months Later.--_

Sakura awoke to something massaging her head in a very soothing fashion. Until she realized there was goop on her head and it felt kind of soggy.

"WHAT THE FUCKKK!" She sat up, but a pale hand came down and pushed her back down into the bathtub. HOW THE HELL DID SHE END UP IN THERE?!

"Go back to sleep Sakura," A male voice commanded, "Or at _least_ sit still."

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY HEAD?!"

"…I'm dying your hair," He told her as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"…YOU'RE WHAT?!"

"Dying your hair," He replied flatly, still holding her down with one large hand and rubbing the dye into her used-to be pink locks with the other.

"WHY?!" She demanded obnoxiously loudly.

"Well, I surely can't have pink-haired sons," he told her matter-of-factly, "It would be un-natural and weird. And a little bit gay. Actually, a lot. And Uchihas are not gay, I will have NO OROCHIMARU(s)? in my clan! RAWR!"

"….You do know that dying my hair won't change whether pink is the dominant color between us, right?"

He scowled at her and shouted loudly,"LALALALA, I CAN'T HEAR YOU, LALALA!" And just kept rubbing it in. After a moment, he turned on the bathtub's tap and began to rub it out. Once it was to his liking, he gripped her body and tugged her out of the tub and threw a towel messily over her head.

She scrunched up her nose as he rubbed her head vigorously, before pulling it away and revealing her new hair color to the mirror.

Raven black, just like his.

"Lets see the gods give me a fucking pink-haired son now, bitches!" He declared happily, with a punch into the air.

She shook her head.

There was no way that in six months she was marrying this fool.

He smiled at her and kissed her, his hand running through her hair as he leaned in to whisper cutely into her ear, "Wanna go try and make more babies?"

Well, okay. _Maybe_ she would consider it.

* * *

BAHAHAHA.

Review the crack or the dealer will eat you.


	3. A: APHRODISIAC

**Aphrodisiac.**

_InoShika. Hints of SasuSaku and NejiTen._

_Disc: _HAHAHA. YEAH RIGHT. ...

;P

* * *

"You aren't serious."

"Oh, but I am, Forehead! Now help me or I'll tell Lee you got his name tattooed on your butt."

"PIG!" Sakura screeched, grasping her friend by the lapels of her brown jacket, "DO IT AND DIE."

"You wouldn't kill me, Sakura," Ino told her, whipping her head to the side, crossing her arms over her ample chest, completely ignoring the fact Sakura was holding her two feet off the ground.

"You're right," Sakura sighed, letting go and watching as Ino landed in an annoyed heap at her feet, "But Sasuke-kun would."

Her blonde-friend's eye twitched unenthusiastically at this realization but she shouldered it and stood, brushing off her skirt. "Eh. Whatever. Just make it. Please?"

"Hmm...No."

"Sakura!"

"Ino!"

"Forehead!"

"Pig!"

"Pretty please with a cherry on top?"

"No."

Two hours later, Sakura stood, stirring the concoction. "This is so wrong," She hissed at Ino, who was sitting contentedly at Sakura's dark-wood kitchen table.

"But you love me and want me to be happy, ne?"

"Shut up, Pig."

Ino ignored her.

"Once Shikamaru is affected by it, he'll want me. And once he wants me, he'll do anything I want until I give in."

Sakura shuddered.

"And once I do give in, he'll be so in love with me that he'll ask me to marry him and we'll live happily ever after in a big huge house with no kids at all cause they're really troublesome."

"I think you're already spending too much time around him, Ino," Sakura told her pointedly.

"Screw you."

"Psh."

"Oh, right, that's Sasuke's job."

Sakura smirked and raised an eyebrow at her friend, "Are you expecting me to deny that?"

Ino's nose wrinkled in disgust, "EW! You are so icky. You could at least shove me or call me a pervert! Now there're images!"

Sakura's mouth formed a small 'O' and she blinked at her friend. The next thing Ino knew, she was on her backside on Sakura's front walk. "PERV!" Sakura screeched at her from the doorway before she burst out laughing, holding her stomach.

"Sheesh," Ino muttered, standing, "The things I put up with."

* * *

"Ow," Naruto yelped, "Ow!"

"Would you stop it?" Kakashi asked, poking him in the side, "I'm trying to read."

"I keep getting paper cuts," Naruto whined, sticking his pointer finger in Kakashi's face, "If I had known how boring and ..._legal_...this job was I would've passed it on."

"Liar," Kakashi mused, returning his eye to his book.

Naruto frowned guiltily, knowing full well he wouldn't have passed the title of Hokage up for anything less than being forced to get an enema; which he would just not do. The blonde sighed, leaning in and picking up another paper to sign. Kakashi had just gotten to the good part of the scene when Naruto was at it again, "Ow!"

The silver-haired jounin was about to open his mouth again, but there was a light knocking on the door. Naruto paused in his yelping to smile sheepishly and grant permission to enter the office. Shikamaru walked in lazily, his hands in his pockets. "You wanted to see me, Hokage-sama?"

Naruto grinned, Shikamaru was one of the only ones that even bothered to show respect for his current title, "Uh, yeah!" He turned to Kakashi after a moment. "What did I--?"

"Mission 294."

"Oh!" The Kyuubi's container smiled sheepishly again and rubbed the back of his head as he fumbled around for the right folder. "Right. Shikamaru, d'you think you can look over this mission report and confirm this story?"

Shikamaru sighed. They had interrupted his cloud watching. "Hai."

"Awesome!" Naruto shouted, handing Shikamaru the mission report, standing up from his chair too quickly and knocking all of the papers onto the floor. They were all silent.

Naruto blinked, looking down at the scattered paperwork. "Oops?"

"Oi, Naruto," Shikamaru shook his head and Kakashi just moved over from his spot in the middle of the chaos to the window sill. About twenty seconds into the scene Naruto had messed up for him earlier, Naruto yelped with joy, successfully scaring Kakashi and causing him to fly out the open window. Would he ever get to read the damn book in peace? The blonde didn't notice, just watched as Shikamaru shook his head.

"I'm finally free!" Naruto squealed, his eyes darting around the room.

Kakashi re-perched himself on the window sill, now having a very annoyed vibe about him. He slid inside, his book now sopping wet. Apparently a water cart had been passing at the exact moment Naruto had the spaz attack. Kakashi had avoided the catastrophe but his book hadn't been so fortunate.

"_Naruto_," Kakashi hissed, causing Naruto to turn to him.

"What-- oops."

"The money for this book will be coming out of your pocket," Kakashi told him, leaning over him darkly.

"Uh..." Naruto glanced at Shikamaru for help, "Sh...Shikamaru...?"

"Nah," The brunette told him with a sigh. "Too troublesome."

It was this moment that Shikamaru decided to take a look at the mission report. Uncharacteristic anger flared within him as his eyes scanned over the paper. "...Oi, Naruto...you want me to..."

Naruto nodded, un-sure of where this was going.

"CONFIRM THIS WAS THE LAST PLACE THE RAMEN CART WAS SPOTTED!?"

The outburst once again called for awkward silence. Kakashi burst out laughing, letting Naruto slip from his grasp. The blue-eyed boy backed up, only to be whacked harshly on the top of the head with the mission folder. Shikamaru raised the folder again to deliver another thwack but Naruto opened his mouth, "YAMANAKA INO!"

Shikamaru froze, his arm mid-flight. He looked down at Naruto, "If I survive this, I'm going to kill you, _Hokage-sama_. You're too troublesome for this village."

Big, trompsing footsteps echoed down the hallway and Shikamaru dove out the window just as the door to Naruto's office burst open. "NARUTO? Where's Shika?"

Kakashi, who had only just stopped laughing, fell over in spasms again. Ino ignored him as Naruto frantically pointed to the window. Once the blonde kunoichi had climbed out in search of her teammate, Naruto opened his mouth again.

"I think I'm gonna need some ANBU body guards..." He trailed off in thought, "Nah, I'll just call Sakura-chan."

At the mention of her name, the pinkette walked in, "Hey Naruto, did Ino just come in here?"

Kakashi started rolling around on top of the paperwork. Sakura cast him a side-long glance before turning her attention back to Naruto, "What's with Kaka-sensei?"

"He didn't take his medication this morning," Naruto told her, nodding vigorously. "Don't worry, he'll be fine any minute. Now uh, Sakura-chan. I need your help!"

"Huh? Why?"

"Well you see--"

"Wait, you never told me whether or not you'd seen Ino."

"Yeah- she was just in here."

"Well, she forced me to make her an aphrodisiac to get Shikamaru to fall in love with her. And then she took it and went to find him but I haven't told her about the side-effects yet!"

Naruto gulped, thinking of Shikamaru's angry face. Sakura wouldn't be enough to keep him from death.

"Sakura-chan, get the teme and come back in like, an hour. Actually, get Shino, Neji, Tenten and Kiba too...and make sure he brings Akamaru..."

"Uh, why?"

"Please?"

Sakura sighed and turned towards the door. "Well, okay. Just make sure you tell Ino I need to speak to her immediately. The aphrodisiac only lasts about sixteen days."

Naruto nodded, his eyes on the window and Kakashi got up off the floor as she left.

"Well, this has been such an interesting day," Kakashi told him with a light smile. "I expect my replacement book by three o'clock tomorrow afternoon, I'm going home." Naruto nodded again, still watching out the window for Shikamaru. Chills raced up his spine as Kakashi towered down over him, a gleam in his eye, "If I don't get my book by the requested time, I'll tell Shikamaru where you hide your back-up ramen. And you better pick up this paperwork Naruto, I think there are a few peace treaties in there," Naruto nodded and swallowed as Kakashi left out the window.

On his way home, Kakashi started to chuckle again as he watched Shikamaru climb into a tree.

* * *

"Hey, Sasuke-kun!" Said boy turned towards the voice, an annoyed look on his face.

"What?"

"Have you seen Shikamaru?" Ino asked, coming up beside him.

"He was training three hours ago," Sasuke told her, turning to walk away, "Sakura was looking for you, earlier."

"Well, I saw her ten minutes ago and she was looking for _you_."

Sasuke froze, wondering what he'd done wrong.

"Anyway, thanks Sasuke-kun!" The blonde girl turned toward the training grounds and skipped towards them determinedly.

Sasuke stood in the street, still confused. His thoughts were answered a few minutes later as Sakura appeared by his side. "There you are!"

Sasuke blinked, looking at her expectantly.

"I've been looking for you all day."

"Hn."

"Naruto wants me to find a few others and then we have to go back and meet him in the office."

"No."

"Sasuke-"

"Just because the Dobe's Hokage doesn't mean I'm going to listen to him."

"Sasuke-"

"I said no. Don't you remember the mission to scout out the ramen cart?"

Sakura twitched but said nothing.

"I'm not going."

"If you don't then," She leaned up and brushed her lips against his ear. He froze uncertainly again, and looked down at her, horrified.

"I'll meet you there in ten minutes."

Sakura nodded her approval and patted him evenly on the head, smoothing down his chicken butt-shaped cowlick. "Good boy."

* * *

"Ah, thank Kami you guys are here!" Naruto grinned, looking them over. "Hyuuga Neji, Tenten, Aburame Shino, Inuzuka Kiba, Akamaru--" He was greeted with a loud 'woof'.

He looked at the other two ninja in the room, "Sakura-chan and the Teme."

Sasuke grunted, "Dobe."

"'Kura-chan! Tell Teme that since I'm the Hokage he can't say mean things to me."

Sakura raised an eyebrow at turned to Sasuke, who was fuming over Sakura's shortened name coming out of Naruto's mouth.

"Don't call her that."

"I can call her what I want to!"

Sakura just stared at them.

"No, Dobe, you can't."

"Yes I can, Teme!"

"No."

"Yes!"

"I said no."

"I don't care what you said!"

Over their bickering, Tenten turned to Sakura, "How'd you even get Sasuke to come here?"

A devilish look appeared on the pinkette's face as she thought about it. "I only said," She leaned in and whispered the two magic words into her friend's ear, "_No sex_."

Tenten gasped and burst out laughing, causing everyone to turn and look at Sakura.

"Nani?" She asked innocently.

Ten minutes later, when Tenten had recovered and all that was left of the event was a small smirk that had permanently settled on Tenten's face, she turned back to Sakura, "I'll have to use that on Neji some time."

The pearly-eyed boy's head snapped in their direction. His face betrayed his knowledge of the situation...he had known what they were talking about. As Tenten tilted her head towards him and batted her eyelashes, he also knew he didn't like it.

* * *

"SHIKA-KUN!"

He was still avoiding her. It had been hours! The girl just wouldn't give up!

"SHIKA!" He cracked an eye open and looked through the leaves of the tree he was perched in. She was walking around the training grounds expectantly. "SHIKAMARU! IF YOU DON'T COME OUT AND TALK TO ME, I'LL TELL YOUR MOM WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER!"

The boy cringed and jumped out of the tree nervously. "What, Ino?"

"I need to talk to you," She cooed sweetly, walking up to him seductively. His arm tingled when she touched it (why was she wearing gloves?), and he became light headed as the skin absorbant aphrodisiac went into affect. Blinking, he looked down at her. "Shika-kun, _do you love me_?"

He found it hard to speak.

"Shika?" His eyes focused in on her mouth, so delicately speaking his name. "Shikamaru?"

"Nyah?" He managed.

"I asked you if you loved me, Shika..." She whispered, leaning in closer. "Do you love me?"

"_Ajdhjkhaglslfk_," He stuttered, watching her draw in.

"Cause I love you..." And then she kissed him.

Up in the Hokage tower, Naruto was frantically packing suitcases.

* * *

Sixteen days later, Shikamaru awoke with a large headache. He found he couldn't remember anything past going to the Hokage's office and then running from Ino due to Naruto's loud mouth- it was just too blurry. The only feeling he had was one of contentedness, and there was a slight fondness of someone...Something moved beside him and his eyes snapped open wider, taking in the blonde head of hair that was resting easily on the pillow next to his.

One thought entered his mind.

'_Naruto, you are so dead.'_


	4. I: IGNOMINIOUS

**Ignominious**.  
(adj.- shameful, disgraceful, dishonorable, disreputable, despicable.) Just some of the many.

NejiTen, SasuSaku.

_Disc:_ Yeah, no. I really don't.

* * *

Sakura and Tenten sat comfortably in 'Kokoro', their favorite modern tea shop. Most of the highschoolers would come to relax and chat with their companions everyday, and the pair had to rush to get their regular table before it was taken. Today, they'd had to wrestle some cheerleaders for it- literally.

"HEY!" Sakura stormed over to the table, her aura radiating her intent to kill, "THAT'S OUR TABLE!"

The red head of the group stood up, hands on her hips, "Psh. I don't see your names on it."

Hysterically, Sakura pointed to the sign emblazoned on the wall on top of the table. 'TENTEN & SAKURA' with an arrow was inscribed into a silver-white metal.

The red head paled, but didn't back down, "I don't care. We're not moving."

"YOU WILL move," Tenten hissed, standing in a defensive position next to the pinkette, "Or I will MAKE YOU."

"Try it," The red head sneered.

Tenten lunged, knocking the girl and one of her friends to the floor, "FIGHT LIKE A MAN!"

The tea shop was pleasantly blocking out the scene as the leader yelled, "WHORE! YOU GOT TEA ON MY NEW SKIRT!"

"You SKANK!" Sakura screamed back, grabbing another tea cup and throwing it at her, splattering it on the girl and her blonde lackey.

"ARGHHH. THIS ISN'T OVER!"

"You bet your ass it isn't," Tenten called after the girls as they ran from the teashop leaving the table for Sakura and herself. "Tea, 'Kura-chan?" Tenten asked calmly.

Sakura nodded, tipping her head slightly towards the door. Neji and Sasuke walked in and a cynical grin split her features as she grasped her tea cup and took a sip, "Tenten. Heartless hotties, one o'clock."

Tenten smiled, standing. She looked at Sakura, waggled her eyebrows, and ripped her pants off. Tenten had gained the rest of the café's attention, everyone gaped, Sakura included--underneath the girl was wearing only a pair of dark purple lacy boy short underwear, "Oops!" The brunette squealed. "I forgot to put my mini-skirt on underneath!"

"Not that it would make much a difference if you had it on," Sakura muttered as they boys approached, "That thing is like _two_ inches long…"

Tenten was over the shock and now flaunting her lack of pants.

"Hey," Neji said as he and Sasuke got closer, "What's going on with--" His light eyes were on her legs, leading up to her…

Sakura smacked him on the side of the head, "PERV!"

"She's the one not wearing pants!"

"Uh, yeah…"

"So…" Neji turned towards Sasuke, who had spoken, "Sakura…since Tenten's not wearing pants…you gonna take your shirt off?"

Sakura gaped at him, "WHAT'D YOU SAY, BAKA!?"

Sasuke raised his eyebrows, "Take off your shirt?"

The whole café was watching them, "OIIIIIII! SASUKEEE! YOU'RE SO IGNOMINIOUS!"

"_I'm_ ignominious?" Sasuke asked incredulously, "She's the one without pants! Excuse _me_ if I'm on spring break and want some naked chick action! You're hot, she's hot, so what's the big deal? Are you embarrassed?"

"You think I'm hot?" Sakura asked after a pause.

Sasuke nodded enthusiastically at the pinkette.

Tenten twitched as she looked between Sakura and Sasuke. Neji's eyes were still shamelessly fixed on her …-ahem- lower half, and the brunette didn't seem to mind. Instead she opened her mouth and asked, "What's ignominious?"

Sakura choked on air.

"You're…an English major!" She shrieked.

Neji chortled as Tenten moved to sit on the table top, too deep in thought to notice she was flashing him slightly. "Oh. Right."

The owner of the tea shop, Jiraiya, sat cheerfully at his typewriter a few tables away. He surveyed the scene with giddy happiness, typing incredibly fast, his eyes never leaving the odd display just a few feet away. He was _so_ glad he had taken over ownership of the tea shop from his nephew. He waited a few minutes, and nothing interesting happened. The dark-eyed boy and the pinkette seemed to be having a staring contest, the male with the lavendar eyes was still oogling the brunette and she seemed to be staring off into space. No one was speaking at all. He sighed, just about to put his typewriter away…

And then Sakura took off her shirt.

Really now. How _ignominious_...

* * *

HAHAHAHAHA. YES. CRACK. I LOVE CRACK. DO YOU LOVE CRACK? I LOVE ALMOST ALL CRACK! THE ONLY CRACK I DON'T LOVE IS PLUMBER'S AND ALL KINDS RELATED TO IT! YAYYYYY!

Review cause you love it. :D


	5. S: SUBTLETY

**Subtlety.**

**SasuSaku.**

_Disc:_ **NARUTO** © Masashi Kishimoto & **Kingdom Hearts** © Disney & Square Enix!

Hehe.

* * *

The lights were off and the moon was out. It was a Sunday night, and the one person on the sofa was engrossed in her video game on an unhealthy level. Unbeknownst to the occupants of the little one story house, this night would be memorable as the night Uchiha Sasuke revealed his stupid side for the third (or was it fourth) time ever. The boy had absolutely no subtlety to him. The pinkette should've known that by now, but she didn't. She was about to get an awakening.

"Sasuke-kun! Can you bring more popcorn!? I need some snack-age or I'll never beat this!"

Sasuke sighed. He ran a hair through his cowlick, which stubbornly bounced back up a second later. He was standing in the doorway to the kitchen, arms crossed over his chest, and his girlfriend was getting increasingly demanding. He was going to open his mouth to argue, but it stopped because he had now realized that fighting with her wouldn't do any good. Sighing in resignation, he turned, going into the kitchen and scrounging around for a bag of microwaveable popcorn.

After finding some, he unwrapped it and shoved it into the microwave, waiting until the popping sound filling the room. Turning, he went back into the living room to wait and sat beside his girlfriend, watching as her fingers moved sporadically over the controller buttons.

"Oh, oh, I totally own this!" She was squawking, grinning. She turned to Sasuke as a cut scene flashed, "Hey, where's my popcorn?"

"Cooking."

Her eyes narrowed as she turned back away from the TV to look at him suspiciously. Seconds later, her nose was assaulted with the smells of butter and salt and she turned back to her game.

"Oh. Oh...!"

Sasuke looked up and watched as a blonde haired boy in a long black coat walked down a dark street, past a red-head who's hair looked inevitably like Sonic The Hedgehog.

It looked familiar, and he didn't know why, but after the red-head spoke, it clicked. The blonde was leaving, and the hedge-hog-like character was trying to stop him. Sakura must've noticed the significance of the scene too, because her eyes snapped to Sasuke for a moment as she grabbed his hand before they flicked back to the cut scene.

Axel and Roxas, Kingdom Hearts II.

Axel was blinking disheartenedly after Roxas as the blonde walked away with the words, "No one will miss me," hanging in the air.

It was a few seconds after the shorter blonde disappeared from sight that Axel lowered his head into his hands, "That's not true. I will..."

There was silence for a small bit as the cut scene ended and the pinkette paused the game. Sakura opened her mouth to speak but Sasuke beat her to it, "Why couldn't you be more like that guy?"

Sakura looked dumbfounded for a moment, "WHAT?!"

"Well, I mean--"

"--OHMYGOD! Are you gay?"

Sasuke's mouth dropped open unattractively, "HUH!?"

She didn't say anything for a moment and Sasuke frowned, reaching onto the coffee table and grabbing up his can of tomato juice. He brought it up to his mouth, taking a swig to get rid of the taste of utter confusion. He glanced at Sakura and it seemed to give her the courage to elaborate further.

"You just asked me to be more like him! You're gay, aren't you!? I always knew you were too good to be true! All the pretty ones are gay!" She screeched, yanking her hand out of his and putting both of them over her face, letting out loud wails, "WHY OH WHY!? KAMI, WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO!? WHY DO ALL THE GOOD-LOOKING ONES HAVE TO BE PENIS-LOVERS?!"

Sasuke spit out the liquid and looked at her cross-eyed. "I AM NOT!"

"ARE SO, PENIS-LOVING-PRETTY-BOY!"

"AM NOT! I DO NOT LOVE PENIS!"

Sakura blinked and then let out a barking laugh, much to Sasuke's chagrin before replying in a shriek, "ARE SO!"

"I AM NOT!"

"ARE SO!"

"AM NOT!"

"LIAR!"

"I AM NOT A LIAR!"

"Oh REALLY?!" Sakura challenged, "You said Naruto and I were your _comrades_ before you left! AND IF WE WERE THEN YOU WOULD'NT HAVE LEFT IN THE FIRST PLACE, WOULD YOU!? NO! I DON'T THINK SO, MR. SMARTY PANTS! PSH! AND I TOLD YOU I LOVED YOU! I STILL TELL YOU I LOVE YOU! AND YOU SAY IT BACK! SINCE YOU'RE A PENIS-LOVER,THAT MEANS YOU _LIED_! LIAR!"

"I WASN'T LYING!"

"WERE SO! CAUSE YOU LOVE PENIS AND NOT ME!"

"I DO NOT!"

"DO TOO!"

"No, I DON'T!"

"YES, YOU DO!"

"Sakura!" Sasuke slammed his hands down on the coffee table, "I WASN'T LYING!"

"WERE SO!"

"WAS NOT!"

"WERE SO!"

"WAS FUCKING NOT!"

"Well, it doesn't matter, I suppose!" Sakura frowned, "CAUSE YOU'RE GAY ANYWAY!"

"WHAT I MEANT," He growled, the can crunching in his harsh grasp, "WAS THAT YOU COULD'VE BEEN LESS EMOTIONAL WHEN I LEFT. YOU COULD'VE BEEN _SUBTLE_. YOU COULD'VE ACTED MORE LIKE THAT IDIOT WITH THE RED BIRD HAIR. HE DIDN'T FREAK OUT! HE WAS CALM! HE DIDN'T SCREAM OUT HOW HE LOVED THE OTHER ONE TO THE WORLD! AND THE OTHER GUY DIDN'T HAVE TO KNOCK HIM OUT!"

Sakura's eyes narrowed as she looked at her boyfriend, "Firstly, I was twelve years old and completely in love with a _jackass_," She ignored the look he gave her as she continued, "Secondly, you didn't _have _to knock me out! You're just an arrogant jerk, and that's why you chose the easy way out instead of facing me and my feelings head on! COWARD! Thirdly, YOU'RE ONE TO CRITISIZE BIRD HAIR. Your cowlick makes you seem like you've god a chicken's behind glued to your cranium! AND LASTLY, DON'T YOU DARE CALL AXEL AN IDIOT! HE'S A BETTER MAN THAN YOU'LL EVER BE, UCHIHA SASUKE!"

Sasuke looked like a fish.

"A _video-game character_," He asked incredulously, "A FREAKING VIDEO GAME CHARACTER!?"

"Yes," Sakura confirmed, standing up from the couch and stalking into the kitchen. Sasuke sat still, not moving until Sakura addressed him once more, standing in the doorway of their bedroom, her popcorn in hand. "You're sleeping on the couch," She declared, glaring at him one last time and popping a piece of her snack into her mouth for emphasis. She blinked one last time before walking into the room and slamming the door.

Sasuke turned back to the television with a look of hatred, "Stupid idiot with fire truck hair."

To his horror, Sakura's voice came echoing through the house, "I HEARD THAT!"

* * *

Hahaha, just bored and thought of this.

I love Axel and Roxas.

And Kingdom Hearts.  
Anyway, CRACK is good.


End file.
